We’ve been in so many relationships, some of which we ended. We explore this complicated process that is super simple, actually.

Marina (M): It’s hard to break up with someone.

Andrei (A): Why do you think that is? I feel the same way. Of course, for me, it was a marriage that lasted for nine years. So, it wasn’t easy at all. There were some questions that were mostly egotistical for me. At the same time I do think, now, that what was happening wasn’t a big thing. It took me a while to realize it, and now we are separated. I don’t know if something will happen. I think breaking up a relationship is not only hard with a partner, but also with a friend, for example. I had a case: There was a colleague from work. We were also friends on Facebook. She was a bit too aggressive for me. Of course, that was only my perception. So, I unfriended her on Facebook and at some point that was a problem for her. I explained that seeing her online was a trigger for me for some bad memories and I think she understood.

M: Yeah, but in this case she wasn’t really your friend.

A: Not exactly, but we worked closely for quite some time.

M: This reminds me of a story. I had this friend. We were friends for a few years, and we were really close. So close that it was ok for her to call me in the middle of the night to discuss a problem. At some point I realized I don’t receive the same from her. I was always there for her, but she was never there for me, basically. I realized that friendship is somehow one-sided, and it was a long process of detaching from her.

A: Sometimes, this also applies to close relatives or parents. I’ve seen some cases where parents aren’t that supportive or have bad attitudes. I have some friends who stopped communicating with their relatives for a couple of years. All this wasn’t easy, even talking about it was hard for my friends. They shared that they’ve done it to protect themselves, but still it was very difficult. That’s the tough part: on one hand, you want to continue having that person in your life. But on the other, this relationship hurts, makes you feel very uncomfortable or even worse.
Also, there is a question: Can you stay friends or like close friends with your partners after you break up? How can you… if so? Or is it even possible?

M: It’s tricky, I don’t think there is a recipe for this. I don’t keep in touch with most of my ex-boyfriends. I am still quite sensitive when it comes to them.

A: This reminds me of one model I found somewhere. The idea is that if you have some strong emotions, not really connected to the context and the situation you are currently in, it means you have something in you that is sensitive. For example, in certain situations, if you get super angry, more than you usually do in that kind of situation, that shows something is triggering you. It is worth exploring what that thing is. I was wondering how I can reduce those triggers. For example, with my wife right after the divorce we were quite cold towards each other, although I wanted to hug her or kiss her sometimes. Then we had one very emotional conversation, and now we are getting along much better. It no longer feels awkward when I am around her.
So, I explore this from time to time — what triggers me. For me, it helps to see what’s there beyond the action that I don’t like.

M: Yeah, that reminds me of some realizations I had quite some time ago. For example, if someone acts as a gentleman that triggers the liking response in me. It was like an automatic reaction. Quite unhealthy, really, as just this one thing is definitely not the best reason for liking someone. This is just one trigger that I’ve noticed and for sure there are more. Sometimes, because of these triggers, I forget to dig deeper. Maybe, if I turn off the triggers, or I explore more triggers, I will get out of this dating cycle.

A: In conclusion, I will say that getting to know ourselves can help us to be happier in a relationship or end it when it’s not healthy for us.

M: Yep, I totally agree. That was the reason it was so easy for me to end my last relationship. I realized the lack of love started to hurt, and we were NOT on the same page. If I wasn’t so self-aware, most probably we were going to still be together.