This discussion is about sensitive topics and the process of being able to talk about those topics. How can we make them less sensitive so we can approach them?
You will see that we did not really talk much about them. Maybe because they are still sensitive?
Andrei (A): For example, for me, the dating part was a taboo subject because I did not feel comfortable sharing anything related to this. There were so many things that I was just afraid of. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she told me: you are writing poems, that’s good. You should also start writing your thoughts in a journal. I said: no problem. Then she added: that’s not all! You should make it public!
It was quite a long process for me to start talking about dates. But having been through it, I now feel more comfortable sharing about my experiences with my friends.
I wanted to talk about this process of being comfortable with things we feel uncomfortable with. We can regard this as a framework that everything humanly should feel comfortable with. How do we get there? Because I still feel there are some subjects that I don’t feel comfortable with.
Marina (M): So what is uncomfortable for you?
A: For me it’s talking about sex. This is still a taboo subject. You know, I’ve read quite a lot about this and, for me, it’s important that it is something special. When I think of my ended marriage, most of the sex experiences were not something special. Some things were quite … I don’t know…
M: …kind of routine.
A: And this raised some questions for me as a man: do I do something wrong, am I good enough, do I offer enough?
These are, you know, they’re pretty sensitive subjects. There are a lot of jokes in men-hood about the length and if this does matter. Well, of course, it matters from a certain point.
I’m not really comfortable talking about this but I’m talking because, you know, challenges.
I also feel that for a woman this is a very special thing because most probably women feel differently than men. The whole, the whole process, I mean.
M: This summer when I was with my boyfriend we did the same things. Yet for me, every time there were different emotions. The experience was evolving and expanding. But surprise, surprise: for him it felt the same.
A: Okay. So you say that emotionality, the experiences were very different.
M: I usually avoid talking about negative experiences, because I don’t want to go there.
In my life I’ve been avoiding negative emotions for a really really long time. I’ve had this instinct of going towards pleasure and running away from pain, and all the negative emotions associated with it in my head.
I’ve been hiding and running away from them. That’s the reason why I usually don’t open that kind of conversation.
A: What do you think is the process? What happens after a situation where you start feeling something negative or you perceive something negative?
Is it something that happens all the time or is it specific to every situation?
M: I remember one conversation with a friend. She was asking me why when I talk about something that hurts, I am smiling.
I remember that question because it was on point. Now I want to be true to myself, and open to other people without lying.
A: Do you feel that this improved over time?
M: With the boyfriend I was with last year, I didn’t let myself show my negative emotions. I was trying to be flexible for him, to be nice and so on. And a few weeks ago we had a very interesting conversation over the phone. I started the conversation super happy because I was freaking happy when I called him. Then we were joking and I cried a little because this is what I felt. Then we started talking about something more positive. I felt a bit attacked so I attacked him. I was not very nice. And we finished the conversation normally, more friendly. In 40 minutes I moved between two completely different worlds and emotions.
A: I have a tendency now to ask you what was the sensitive thing that made you attack him.
M: I said we should do something together, unusually so, I had no other plans that day. In the evening, he was still busy. So I let my phone turn off — it turns off automatically at 22:22. On Tuesday he called me to apologise. I felt really, really bad because I was looking for him, and I realised that I was never a priority in our relationship. And it was a painful experience to talk about. I know why it’s so painful. Basically, it’s so painful because the same happened with my last boyfriend. So, at this point I didn’t realise this was also about him.
A: Thank you for sharing. I think this is not an easy topic and I think you have courage to do this, so thank you for sharing this.
