We discuss why people think it’s necessary to be in a relationship.
Andrei (A): Recently someone told me: “You need someone, you need a partner”. I asked why. “I’m ok. I really am ok just as I am now. If it has to happen, it will happen.”, I insisted.
“No, no, it’s not. It doesn’t work like that.”, he replied. He went on to explain. At that moment I thought he said that just because he’s a bit older. Perhaps he wanted to validate his thoughts. Eventually, his words got to me. I understood where he was coming from: “ You need someone to get you out of your comfort zone, to love you, to give you insights, to push your limits, to inspire you for new directions, because this is what life is about”.
I really like this idea. It’s challenging because I could be really comfortable in my life as is. I have almost everything I need: my kids love me, I have friends and I can spend time with them, I can go running, biking, I can work on building birdhouses or do some woodworking. So, I have quite a lot to do to fill my time. But in the end I see it was that messy side of marriage that I liked; not that it was chill and cool. Of course this is part of it. But not all, for me. So, it got me thinking.
I agreed with that friend that I need to do something about finding a partner.
Marina (M): We were actually discussing this with a friend of mine on Monday. He is 42 years old, and he doesn’t want to have kids. He doesn’t have a family. He shared a similar situation where a friend of his told him to wake up, find a wife and start a family. Just like you, he wasn’t convinced. I’m not convinced either. It’s not set in stone.
Yes, it’s nicer to have a partner and to live with someone. But only if the person is the right one for you. The idea is NOT to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.
A: Yeah.
M: Because living with someone usually changes you more or less and if you are with the wrong person it can be really devastating for you. When I broke up my longest relationship, I didn’t know who I was. The worst part — I’d forgotten how to spend time with myself. So I started running away from myself. Nowadays, there are so many ways of escaping yourself — watching TV, drinking, partying, travelling, going out with friends, organizing social activities like going to a theater, cinema, going on dates. Basically, it was all about running away from myself, so I didn’t have to find out who I am. My inner world felt like a dessert. I envied the introverts for their colorful and rich inner worlds. That’s how little I knew about myself. This wasn’t true, I just didn’t want to give myself the time to explore. Few days ago my tango teacher told me I have to be stable on my own first, to be stable in the pair. So, before starting a relationship you have to be stable on your own in order to have a stable and sustainable relationship.
A: This is a really nice and tough thing. I have seen quite a lot of couples that are in a relationship only because they don’t want to be alone. I think this isn’t the best thing to do. No matter how hard you try to escape something, it will follow you until you have the courage to face it and get over it.
